Anarkhos

You have broken my heart. You said "don't go; don't love me and leave me" and pulled me close to sleep and my insides were like melting caramel and I stayed. I expect nothing of you now; admit only in the pining early hours that I want need crave you still - and suppressed; my vivid dreams remind me why oh why it is you and only you that haunts me. And when I hear your voice, your foreign accent familiar as home, calling me back across the years in dreams I do not wish for freedom but to step through time to you.  

We made offerings to the River God. Watched them fall from high stone bridges under soft fine drizzle, wrought iron lanterns, into glossy dark water. I offered a gun, and asked for joy.

The girl turns into the wasteland.  A man is walking two big golden dogs.  They chase each other and bark and turn circles on the strip of land.  He follows them sedately, placing his booted feet carefully in the less muddy parts of the ground.  The girl looks along the row of trees and natural banks of excess earth, made when the railway was built to the place where she used to lie, when it was summer, and warm.  Now, the trees that shaded her are naked in the cold, and the ground on which she laid her back is muddy and cold.   Crossing the path to the footbridge, the wind whips the girl’s coat around her knees.  She begins to climb th

Remember how we climbed so high? In the dark, in the night, to flickering torchlight?  No rain to spoil the heavens bright. Milky way, here to stay, wonder at the stars above.  To dredge failed astronomy from the mists of time.  Made before reason, made before rhyme. Remember the memories shared together, shared forever, made to last, bind us fast. And I don't know quite what I'm failing to say, but just for today, will sorry be ever enough?

today I got dressed in the dark and I wore teal and navy and grey and pink and silver and white and cream and green and gold. Usually I get dressed in the light and I wear black.

Dearest, I'm wearing green, like I was the day we met, remember? It was raining and you said the stars were crying with laughter at the cruel joke fate was playing with our lives. You wanted to see the world, so we walked instead of hiding underground in the warmth.  My legs have never been the same and I complained so much you carried me three flights of stairs to bed and I lay giggling while you couldn't quite work out how to make pasta sauce. I could have told you, but preferred to lie on my side and watch you trying.   I have the recipe you made beside me here and it's crumpled from where you threw it down in

Call yourself beautiful, and watch your body expand and curve to twist the slashes of scars to secret smiles. Watch your wardrobe get smaller as your waistline expands, waste more money on clothes. Drive all day over the empty land, even though you hate the country. Take a long walk into the heart of the glen, and learn to love the country. Miss home so much it hurts, even though you hate the goddamn place. Call yourself ugly, and watch your personality shrink with your waistline. Feel hunger like glass.  Live on tinned fruit and water. This is the wrong sort of knee-trembling. Let yourself find the right way, y

  April is the cruelest month It's been two years to the day since I walked out of the dressing room and hung up my ballet shoes. Two years into a five year sentence, you said when I told you. It's funny, you always said, how an eating disorder seems to be the only time when your lows are your high points and your high points are your lows. I laughed because you have to laugh or else, you'll cry. I clung to that, the knowledge that someone else understood the way my battered brain kept going.  And one day what's lost can be found Your words are my lifeline, keep me sane in this fight against my brain. I see you shouting

It meant everything. Yet nothing. I dream of you, But don't remember Your face in my mind While another's is painted On my heart. I love you, but you bore me. I feel nothing with so much passion. When I'm not with you, I only want you. When I am, I only want you gone. Silence like a loaded gun Speaking like a drowned man You.  Me.  Him.  Her.  Them.  Us.  We. Hurt, always together, So lonely, becoming one.

I don't miss fucking; just your hand in the small of my back. I don't miss your presents, and when I sold the diamonds I didn't cry, but I miss your deep dark liquid eyes, and the way you used to pull me close, unconsciously, from within sleep, when I had nightmares. I don't miss the fighting, the screaming or the make up sex. I don't miss the jealousy, having to fight for your love. I don't miss the sarcasm, or the fact that when it comes to politics, you're wrong about bloody everything. And I don't want you back, and I don't want to miss you, and I didn't think I would, but some part of me still does. Misses the stupid